I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
