we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
