i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
