Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
