I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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