life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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