During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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