you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
