my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
