i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I can't put those talents on a resume
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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