I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
