bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
