And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
