I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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