Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
