All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
