In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
