walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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