I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
