Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
