I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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