i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
