Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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