Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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