Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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