You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
