who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
