I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
