we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
