he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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