Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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