Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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