I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
