4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
