I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
