the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
