you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
