wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
