happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
