We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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