I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
