we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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