I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
