I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
