why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
