New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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