I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
