Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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