Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
as a side note pls kill me
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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