I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
