Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
