I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
