I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
