shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
