I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
