im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
