I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
